The Legacy of Distorted Love |
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DANCING WITH A MENTORDANCING WITH A MENTOR
My little ragged, bleached out sticky note on the refrigerator door has been sticking there for eight years now starting with the actual writing of my book : Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Somehow I found this phrase that has guided me and driven my path: “ Follow your purpose, and God will give you your dream.” It’s been a journey and the book is published, but the sticky note remains as my magical mantra.
When I reached out to the universe to pursue my passion, I listened intently to those things that touched my soul and made my mind buzz with interest and meaning. During this writing journey, I also found an amazing mentor who guided me to listen to the inner calling. After reading the book: This Time I Dance by Tama Kieves, I wanted to read her! I found her here in my hometown and she has been such a blessing to me that I wanted to share some of her wisdom here on my blog. We recently interviewed Tama Kieves on “Good Enough Rocks Radio” at www.nevergoodenough.com where you can also listen to the radio archive. Until then, enjoy below her guest blog on Divine Assignment and Doing the Work You Love!
Your Divine Assignment: Doing the Work You Love
by
Tama J. Kieves
When I had my career melt-down and fled the life of being an elite-law-firm-corporate-lawyer, (an honors graduate of Harvard Law School), I thought I was changing careers. I had no idea I was changing my definition of the divine. I was leaving behind the Big Removed Guy in the sky, more concerned with the next life than the wonder of this one. In doing the work I love, I discovered a fresh astonishing companion, one who hid a thousand diamonds in my veins, and urged me to break free of every limitation, trust the path of love, and realize my own power to create.
I had always wanted to be a writer. But I chose a legal career because I was being “practical.” No career counselor had ever realized I wasn’t being practical: I was being blasphemous, presumptuous, and small-minded. I was deciding that the Universe could not support my innate longing, and that joy, the trademark of spirit, was flimsy and perilous. No one ever suggested that my thoughts created my experience of reality: and that because I believed in a harsh and denying world, I would encounter it. People who held fast to limitations congratulated me on my decision to deny my sacred longings.
That’s why none of the typical career advice ever worked in my unfolding journey. Many career experts assume a certain world into which you plug your identifiable talents. But in my career transformation, I discovered that if I followed my “unrealistic” desires, they created a new world. I didn’t need a sharp direction. I needed connection, connection to the absolute knowing that I was beloved and would be inspired. My focus wasn’t sorting through aptitudes. My real work was letting go of false assumptions and hobbling beliefs.
Today, as a leading career coach, I see so many who ache to jump into a radical new expression of themselves, yet they approach it in a conventional way. But Spirit is not an old-school career counselor with a desk job. This infinite presence beckons you to step into an experience that is beyond career assessments, industry standards, and blunt approaches, especially now in cutting-edge times. So I’d like to offer you five areas of focus based on my book, This Time I Dance! Creating the Work You Love, that have helped thousands of individuals to brave this spiritual path of reclaiming their true identity and creating the life of their dreams.
1. It Takes an Intermission to Find a Mission You may want to flip from one crazy all-consuming life into your next roiling self-expression. But first you need space: to inhabit your spiritual wholeness once again. I don’t care how much you can multi-task. You’re not going to hear an inspired voice within you with a cell phone in one hand, a palm pilot in the other, while driving your kids to soccer and making grocery lists in your head. Most of us have to find time before we can find ourselves.
When I left my legal practice, I consciously eviscerated my expenses, spent some of my meager retirement money, and got a “drop-out job” waiting tables to help pay bills. My ego wrestled with this transition. But my Spirit assured me that “it’s never a step down to step ahead.” I needed this deliberate time to stop the speeding, reckless train from roaring in the wrong direction and to listen to what was underneath the wheels. I’ve had clients create this sacred space while still in their jobs. They commit to less hours or diminished responsibilities. They focus on making “spirit time” a priority: time to walk, journal, meditate, or pray. Quiet time is nectar for translucent inner guidance.
2. Honoring Your Crazy Love Many of my clients squirm when I suggest they “usher in the exiled love,” do the things that feel ridiculously fun and delicious. They want to “get serious” about finding their contribution or starting their business. But a loving Universe does not ask us to deny our exultation and call that responsibility. We have the responsibility to tap our excitement and utilize this renewable resource.
Remember, you’re not looking for a career answer. You’re looking for aliveness. You’re seeking to fall in love. It doesn’t matter if you can’t see how you’ll make money by collecting abalone shells or learning ancient Taoist wisdom. What you love has energy, and that energy will propel you into new experiences, insights, abilities, and expressions.
I began my inspired career journey by writing poetry, begrudgingly and hopelessly, I admit. My practical mind whined and began indexing tropical climates for homelessness. But writing poetry led me to write an intimate book about career transition, and that led to teaching workshops throughout the country, coaching people individually, and starting a worldwide organization. This is a dynamic path. Where you start off, is not where you end up. Begin by activating the secret power of your crazy love.
3. Trade in Your Label for a Ticket It’s hard to be in transition. It feels like standing naked at a cocktail party. “So what do you do?” strangers ask. You may want to say, “Journal, freak out, and read self-help books. You?” The culture may demand definition, but your soul craves expansion. Do not rush your courageous adventure. You are as undefined as you are unlimited.
When I first left my career, I so much wanted to force clarity. I wanted a business card, a website, an identity, and just to be done with the muddy mystery of tracking my true self. But the spiritual life is one of answering everything on every level, not the grab-and-go quick-fixes of the ego.
I finally had to see my vulnerability as a commitment to a bigger life. In This Time I Dance! I write, “I came to the realization that, while I no longer had a label, I did have a ticket, a ticket to anywhere I wanted to go with my life. I didn’t just have a blank hole on my resume. I had a blank canvas. I could say yes to any desire, dance partner, sunbeam, hope, heartthrob, divine invitation, or adventure that crossed my path. Something would come. And meanwhile, I stood in an open field with all the stars above my head and my brazen arms wide open, unconditional. I knew I stood in exactly the right place where magic could find me.”
4. Only the Tender can Breed the Fierce The best thing about this journey is that you will have to stop abusing yourself and start nurturing yourself instead. It’s not possible to see yourself as a worthless speck of lint on the good wool suit of humanity, and as someone with the most amazing contribution to make. You will have to dare to see yourself as sublimely blessed and sufficient.
All my life, I’d thrown spitballs at my weakness. I’d always thought that inflicting massive amounts of pain upon myself was a good thing, a motivating force instead of a paralyzing one. But the esteemed psychologist Abraham Maslow taught something I always remember: “All creativity comes from safety.” It’s true. You cannot hear an inspired voice while underestimating yourself. True genius lives inside you. But it only grows in the soil of self-allegiance.
Self-love is our responsibility, if we want to offer our gifts in the world. A most loving Universe can only express itself through you when you treat yourself, the vessel, with exquisite care. Everything you give this world will come from everything you give yourself.
5. Just Start Dancing and the Band Will Find You There is no right way or wrong way to bring your love into the world. The creative mind has infinite ways to accomplish the good. God is not limited to the expert advice of the day or how things have worked in the past. The Universe doesn’t conform to the statistics of a reportable, static reality. You are in a moving, divine, loving place where atoms take their lead from you. The great philosopher Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “The power that resides in him is new in nature and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried.”
I often remind my students, “You can’t plan an inspired life.” You will never know the way, but the way knows the way. Thankfully, an infinite loving intelligence is not confined to the cramped realities of our logic. Love has a way of blowing your mind. Your heart knows a small step to take in this very moment. That’s all you need. Practice your craft or volunteer your services now. Experience gives you power and power attracts opportunities. The world has a great need for your gifts, greater than ever before. Put your love in action and it will go where it needs to go.
Remember, you are not alone. You have been given these desires for a reason. Your love and work is needed here. That’s why you’ve received this assignment. Your dance partner has asked you to dance. I hope you say yes, and realize just how loved you are in your lifetime by that outrageously affirming, infinitely creative astonishing companion.
Tama J. Kieves is the bestselling author of the life-changing book THIS TIME I DANCE! Creating the Work You Love and is a sought-after speaker and career coach who has helped thousands world-wide to discover and live their true work in the world. Visit her at www.ThisTimeIDance and sign up for free inspiration and support through her monthly e-newsletter and blog. Want to find your calling? Get Tama’s Free Report right now on “Finding Your Calling.”Also follow her on Facebook and join the tribe.
TOXIC FRIENDSWell, this is not a pleasant topic and almost sounds like an oxymoron. But, in reality, we need to be aware of our connections with others and work to ensure that we have healthy connections. I’ve always been a bit stunned by how this gets played out in female relationships. Even though the feminist movements have assisted in encouraging women to gather together in the sisterhood, female conflict seems to occur more than we would like to admit.
In the narcissistic family, we learn the wrong definition of love. Love in the narcissistic family is defined by either “what you can do for me” or “what I can do for you.” This legacy of distorted love is a set up for either dependent or co-dependent relationships and deeply affects those adult children who are raised by a narcissistic parent. Discovering what determines healthy connections and being able to sustain our part of the dyad is worth investigating and investing effort.
Adult children of narcissists are accustomed to reactivity because of the way they have been treated. Their job in relationship is not only choosing the healthy person with which to interact, but also to work on themselves and practice active efforts in kindness, empathy, listening, and responding without getting triggered. Without recovery work for adult children of N parents, this is difficult to do.
My co-host, Dr. Pat Covalt, interviewed Dr. Michael Nichols, author of, The Lost Art of Listening, in our last radio show on “Good Enough Rocks Radio.” He thoughtfully explained that one must know and accept themselves and understand what they react to and then practice listening without reacting. Dr. Nichols said we often listen to respond rather than to understand.
Because empathy and active listening is such an important aspect of recovery for adult children of narcissists, it is important to learn this skill of true empathy and listening to those we care about. I believe that doing this for children is the greatest gift we can give them. My challenge to you is to think about how many times you listen intently with the desire just to understand in your love relationships, parenting, and with your dear friends. This is a great weekend to practice as Memorial Day weekend is usually one filled with family, friends and time to interact with those we love.
Join us this coming Saturday, June 5th, on “Good Enough Rocks Radio” as we interview Rebecca Walker again! We will be discussing her two books: Black, White and Jewish and One Big Happy Family. TUNE IN! www.nevergoodenough.com We love to hear from you all! We are also setting up a contest to win a free iPod Nano so check that out too on Facebook! Wishing you a Happy Holiday Weekend!
MOTHERS DAY AND DAUGHTERS ON TRIALMotherhood is still idealized in our culture, which makes it especially hard for daughters of narcissistic mothers to face their past. It’s difficult for most people to conceive of a mother incapable of loving and nurturing her daughter, and certainly no daughter wants to believe that of her own mother. Mother’s Day is this country’s most widely observed holiday, celebrating an unassailable institution. A mother is commonly envisioned as giving herself fully to her children, and our culture still expects mothers to tend to their families unconditionally and lovingly, and to maintain an enduring emotional presence in their lives--available and reliable no matter what. Even though this idealized expectation is impossible for most mothers to meet, it places mothers on a heroic pedestal that discourages criticism. It is therefore psychologically wrenching for any child or adult child to examine and discuss her mother frankly. It is especially difficult for daughters whose mothers don’t conform at all to the saintly maternal archetype. Attributing any negative characteristic to Mom can unsettle our internalized cultural standards. Good girls are taught to deny or ignore negative feelings, to conform to society’s and their family’s expectations. They’re certainly discouraged from admitting to negative feelings about their own mothers. No daughter wants to believe her mother to be callous, dishonest, or selfish.
I believe almost all mothers harbor good intentions towards their daughters. Unfortunately, some are incapable of translating those intentions into the kind of sensitive support that daughters need to help them through life. In an imperfect world, even a well-meaning mother can be flawed and an innocent child unintentionally harmed. But, what do we do if we can’t discuss this? In this culture, good girls do not talk bad about their mothers so the daughter is on trial.
We must be able to open this discussion so that mothers and daughters can have a point of connection to heal. If not, daughters will continue to internalize the “not good enough” message and think it is their fault. They have flunked childhood. There is something wrong with them.
We will be discussing Mother’s Day for adult children of narcissistic parents on “Good Enough Rocks Radio,” this coming Saturday, May 8th. Go to the book website at www.nevergoodenough.com and tune in. Our guest is Peg Streep, author of Mean Mothers. It’s ok to talk about this taboo topic. It’s the only way we can heal and begin to live the life we are supposed to be living in our true authentic selves. As the rehab counselor said in the movie: Postcards From the Edge: “ Deal with your feelings before they deal with you.”
THE ANTITHESIS OF NARCISSISM: TRY EMPATHYThe marker for maternal narcissism is lack of empathy and the inability to tune into the emotional welfare of others, especially children. So if we want to go in the opposite direction for our own growth and understanding, we need to be aware of this thing called empathy. True empathy requires the ability to tune into other people emotionally and be able to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes. I wonder why this is so difficult for so many and why we all struggle in some ways with this important component of relating to others. To be a true child advocate, empathy is a key for parenting and for establishing other satisfying relationships in life. I will always believe that the greatest gift we can give another person is the ability to tune into their feelings and give them validation and acknowledgement whether we agree with them or not. How many times as a parent or a love partner, do we face this difficult dilemma? How good are we really at this crucial skill and why are we not standing on our heads trying to learn this simple key to healthy parenting and interactions with others? Are we just too immersed in this current narcissistic culture or too busy that we don’t think about it? Maybe we got no role modeling from our parents or grandparents. Maybe nobody cares. Do we live in such a self-absorbed culture that this has become unimportant to most or do we just not know how to do it? Over the years in my various roles as parent, nana, and long time psychotherapist, I have found that tuning into others using empathy and acknowledgment of feeling is the greatest tool we could ever learn. Relating with empathy means first understanding what someone is saying to us. The simple reflection of “this is what I heard you say,” is important because we tend to make assumptions or do projections and therefore don’t always understand, or take the time to understand, what someone is saying. The key is to listen to the feelings expressed. If we don’t, we are likely to plant our own interpretation and it is usually or 90% of the time wrong. So, we have to reflect back what we are hearing before we can really respond in an understanding way. As a parent, love partner, or friend, we want to understand what the other is saying to us. We want them to feel heard. We have to get this correct first, before we can move on in the discussion. Try it. When your child, partner or friend says something to you that involves feelings, ignore the context of what they are saying and listen to the feeling. Then reflect back that feeling. Example: “ I hear that you are really angry and sad.” Believe it or not, the other person does not really care at that moment if you agree or not. They want to be heard. Being heard, means you heard the feeling expressed. Then, if you get it right, try validating and acknowledging that feeling. “ You sound hurt and that must feel awful to you.” “Feeling wounded is difficult no matter what the issue.” “I love you and I don’t want you to have to feel that way.” “I care how you feel.” These very simple words in this sequence can make all the difference in the world to that person whom you adore. The big red balloon of bottled up feelings in that other person is suddenly popped and they can settle down and talk to you because you cared enough to pick up on their important feelings. If you think about it, when you talk to those you love, you don’t really care if they agree with you. You care if they notice how you feel. This sounds elementary, but in all my years of practice as a therapist, this is the one thing I teach the most. Why? Why do we not learn this wonderful relating skill somewhere? Shouldn’t we be teaching this in our own parenting and in our schools somewhere? What a difference it could make in relationships of all kind. Think about the last time you were upset and who listened. Who cared about the feelings without trying to solve your problem… tell you what they would do… or relate a similar experience that they once had. At that moment, you do not want someone to solve your problem. You don’t even care if they experienced something similar. You want to be heard. We all do. Adult children of narcissistic parents have an incredible void in this area. They grew up without validation or acknowledgment of feelings and that is why they become adults who grow up with self-doubt. If someone validates and acknowledges your feelings it makes you feel real. Remember that wonderful children’s book: The Velveteen Rabbit, written by Margery Williams? I love that book because the rabbit and the skin horse talk about love and becoming real. The skin horse gives this advice to the rabbit. “ It doesn’t happen all at once…you become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t happen often to people who break easily or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.” To me, the beauty in this book and passage is that when someone tunes into your feelings…it is then that you feel Real and Loved.
I send you to find The Velveteen Rabbit and read it to yourself and your kids. Then practice some empathy with others this week. Get back to me on this. I am curious if you find the same wonderful connection that I am referring to. This is truly the antithesis of narcissism. We all want to be heard and loved. To bring this to our lives, we have to give it. What could be better than reciprocity in empathy with those we love and adore?
We continue to share resources for adult children of narcissistic parents on “Good Enough Rocks Radio!” Tune in from the website at www.nevergoodenough.com . We would love to hear your thoughts, comments and questions.
NARCISSISTIC MOMS VERSUS CAREER MOMSOur interview with Rebecca Walker, daughter of Alice Walker, was fascinating this week on “Good Enough Rocks Radio.” If you missed it, go to www.nevergoodenough.com and listen to the archive.<!--break-->
We are beginning discussions and reaching out about this taboo topic and allowing daughters to have a voice. It is heart warming and at the center of the platform is child advocacy… putting the needs of children first.
This topic has much to explore as women today and in the past have always struggled with having careers and having children too. Rebecca talked about her ambivalence about having a child because she grew up in the second wave of feminism with the big hitters like her Mom and Gloria Steinem. The message perceived was that children get in the way of a woman’s freedom and career aspirations and therefore maybe having a baby should be put off until a career is accomplished. Rebecca talks eloquently and with deep honesty about her struggles with this. “ Will I lose my life and my identity if I have a baby.” “How do I take care of myself and my mother too?” “How do I de-construct this message from the past without blaming my mother?” One of my favorite quotes from her book, Baby Love, is “There should be support groups: Ambivalence Anonymous.”
Maybe you have a narcissistic mom or maybe you have a baby boomer mom who had a career but was not narcissistic. Certainly, women pursuing careers is not a bad thing and should not be interpreted as narcissistic or selfish. The key here is if your mother had the capacity for empathy, unconditional love, and putting the needs of her children first. I think there is much to discuss here for many mother-daughter connections and it varies wildly from one generation to the next, all needing exploration and understanding.
If we approach the different generations and ideology with education, understanding, healing and love, there may be creative ways to bring the generations of women together without blaming or hurt. We can never condone child abuse or neglect and there are mothers out there who are too toxic to continue connections. But, can we begin to discuss the importance of how our choices matter and how our kids need our passionate energy just like our careers do and therefore what we do with this is so very important. We can always expand in love and passion.
We’d love to hear from you. Are you a daughter of a narcissistic mother? Are you a daughter of a baby boomer mother who did put her career first? Are you a mother struggling with this delicate balance?
The third wave of feminism has a lot to offer. I’m listening…are you?
Be sure to join us at www.nevergoodenough.com for our next “Good Enough Rocks Radio” interview with Dr. Gordon Livingston, author of How To Love, on April 3rd at 9 AM Mountain Time. Love is the answer, but it is complicated by a deeper need for empathy, emotional intelligence, and understanding. Is it not true that we all have much to learn? Henry Nouwen writes in The Only Necessary Thing: “ Forgiveness is the name of love practiced among people who love poorly. The hard truth is that all of us love poorly. We need to forgive and be forgiven every day, every hour, unceasingly. That is the great work of love among the fellowship of the weak that is the human family." First Steps: How it Feels, Not How it Looks!An anonymous client tells me this, “ I wish there were a mental health diagnosis for serial grief. I am not mentally ill. Mostly just sad and grieving the vision of the mother I so desperately wanted.”
If you are an adult child of a narcissistic parent and seriously looking at recovery, it is important to work through the grief process. This means grieving the mother or father you did not have and grieving the little child you did not get to be. Taking this precious time to allow yourself to feel the feelings is the key to recovery.
Children of narcissists do not learn how to deal effectively with feelings. They learn to deny, stuff, and pretend that everything is A-OK. “Put a smile on that pretty little face and act like everything is perfect in this family” is a common theme that recovering daughters report. The pressure is strong to not be real.
Most people in therapy hate this stage of recovery and understandably so, as this is the most difficult step. The first stage of diagnosis and understanding is enlightening and cognitive, the last step is reframing, moving on, and viewing things from a different lens, but this middle step where one must deal with the feelings is just plain hard. Many times therapy is not successful, because the step of working through the difficult feelings is conveniently skipped.
The people around us do not encourage this. “Get over it already”, “ It’s in the past, let it go”, “you’re acting like a victim”, etc… are common responses from others who do not understand the importance of this. Then, we tend to do this to ourselves too. “I feel like a baby”, “I feel like I’m feeling sorry for myself ”, as the old internalized messages re-surface and the familiar denial reasserts itself. I cannot say enough, or remind too many times that without the grief process, recovery does not work. I believe that when trauma is unresolved and sitting in the body, it will not accept a new world view and tends to reject easily the new thoughts or messages we try to use to replace the old. But, magically, when trauma is resolved because it is processed and felt, a new acceptance of self and definition of self comes alive and tends to stay put.
My last posting was about acceptance. Acceptance and grief are the first steps to recovery for adult children of narcissistic parents. I encourage you to embrace the first steps. If you need assistance, come join us as we continue to offer resources at www.nevergoodenough.com and on our new radio show, “Good Enough Rocks Radio”, an Internet Radio Show just for you. We welcome your calls and questions and details can be found on the website listed above. Recovery does Rock! There is hope and healing for those who take the plunge. You will be welcomed in the new sisterhood that is growing nationally and internationally and if you are a male there are resources for you too.
Beware of guilt as you start this process. One client told me that the narcissistic family would be very upset if they knew she was doing recovery work. She aptly says that she was always told, “ The bird shits in its own nest, don’t take it elsewhere.” Ok, well put, but what happens if it stays within us and does not get resolution…many know the answer to this searing question. Recovery in 2010! Good Enough Rocks!Hello 2010! If you are a daughter of a narcissistic mother and entering the new year with hopes of better understanding and recovery, we would love to hear from you! Join us at www.nevergoodenough.com for forum discussion and new radio show! (Good Enough Rocks Radio! Starting in March) Let’s talk first stage of recovery. Before we can get anywhere with recovery stages we have to deal with acceptance. To realize that your own mother may not be capable of real love or empathy is shocking. If you ever allowed yourself to think this before, you might have been unwilling to accept it. Mothers are supposed to be the most reliable source of love, comfort, and empathy, and if your mother did not provide that for you, you most likely denied your feelings about it. Daughters often blame themselves for their mother’s inability to love them. A client of mine puts it like this, “ If my own mother can’t love me, who can?” Accepting mother’s limitations is difficult for all daughters. Think of it like this: A teacher trying to teach a three-year-old to read at college level might feel disappointment, anger, even shame at his failure to accomplish this goal, until he realizes of course, that the student is not really capable of the task. Most narcissists lack the capacity to give significant, authentic love and empathy and you have no choice but to deal with this reality. Acceptance that your own mother has this limited capacity is the first step in recovery. We have to let go of the expectation that it will ever be different. Most daughters I have known and treated have gone through long periods in their lives not understanding this, always wishing and hoping that the next encounter with their mother will be different. This sets up not only unrealistic expectations for the daughter, but encourages her to keep going back to try again, for which the reward is additional sadness, disappointment, pain, anger, and exasperation. After all, we are talking about your mother- the person who was the center of your world and whom you loved and needed more than anyone else. I want to acknowledge again how difficult this is to do, but you must do it so you can move on toward your own recovery. Don’t let those who do not understand, those who do have loving mothers, tell you that you need to “get over it already.” It does not work this way. We are only able to move on after acceptance and grief, and many do not understand this. We must also remember that narcissism is a spectrum disorder so there are some moms who are more capable of learning and recovering if they are motivated to do so, but if mom has a full blown narcissistic personality disorder, she will not likely be going to therapy with you to resolve your childhood issues. Acceptance comes before all else in the recovery model. Other daughters have described it like this: “ It is like she has the bike, but she doesn’t know how to ride it.” Or “ She knows there is a rainbow and talks about it, but she is colorblind and can’t really see it.” Worst of all, she may not see you. In the film, The Other Sister, the developmentally delayed daughter says to the narcissistic mother, “ Mom, you don’t look at me, you don’t see me, not the real me. I don’t want to play tennis or chess, or be an artist. I want to be me. I can’t do those things, but I can love,” What a powerful message. Although, I will discuss more in later posts, I want to say that forgiveness and compassion is more likely and obtainable when we truly understand what we are dealing with. I remind you that I am not about disliking or hating our mothers. My passion is helping daughters understand and heal so that forgiveness and kindness is more available in the mother-daughter connection. We will continue to discuss recovery here, on the book website and radio. Come join us in this important discussion. 2010 is the year for recovery! Being Good Enough Rocks! You are worth it.
NARCISSISTIC MOMS AND HOLIDAYS"The 3 Dimensions": DRAMA, DISAPPOINTMENT, DESPAIR Oh my, the holidays were here...did anyone notice? Feasts, gatherings, celebrations and connections with family, right? But, what if you come from a narcissistic family? Are you still doing a civil connect? Maybe you have gone "no contact". Or for some the narcissistic parents are deceased. Whatever the case, it is difficult for most children of narcissists to go through the holidays without some memories still lurking from the past. "Silent Night?" or "Chestnuts Roasting On The Open Fire?" or maybe more like " Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer!" Did you sleep well or were you thinking the whole time of either calling 911 or your current shrink? "Do you work dear therapist during the holidays? You should! We may need you. Please keep your pager handy." " In fact, could you just sleep with it by your pillow in case I need to call?" It seems, as we all know by now, that holidays bring out the family "issues" and also put each person in the family structure in their old position in the family. Are you the baby? The oldest? The middle child? Or, many in a slew of siblings? Without recovery, be prepared to march into the old position and be treated as such by the whole crew. If you come from a family with narcissistic parents, all of the above becomes enunciated with drama, disappointment and often times quiet, inner, despair. You may be thinking that this year it will be different, wishing and hoping it will change, and this year you will be recognized as a separate, unique individual who has marked his or her place in the world and has much to share with a loving family. But Pressman and Pressman best describe the reality of narcissistic families in their book, The Narcissistic Family: the "shiny red apple with the worm inside." It looks fabulous to the outside world, but behind that apple (closed door) is a disconnected, disengaged group of people who do not know how to do emotional connect. The house may be shiny, clean, and pretty and the gifts wrapped with elegance, sparkles and bows. Maybe there are lights everywhere and soft candles with sweet scents filling the house with warmth, but love, real love...is emotional connecting, empathy, interest, authentic conversation, and true caring about feelings and each person's life. It is cheering on the successes and having empathy for the failures but truly caring for the people we love. In loving families, the children are treated with utmost importance. They are not a hassle, their excitement and magical thinking are honored, and most of all their feelings are listened to with great, wise intent and wisdom. Each moment with the children is respected as a teaching moment and a time to guide them towards connecting with real family time. If their list for Santa, is composed of 65 things and they have emailed the entire family...we smile, love, and simply share that we are proud of them and will look forward to seeing which things on their creative list will become realities for them. We don't lecture them on how selfish they are. We don't talk about the "economy" and how tough it is. We definitely don't use the "be good or Santa will not bring gifts, instead he will bring coal to that stocking!" I'm not sure our little ones today would even understand the "coal" thing, eh? As we enter the new year of 2010, I send good wishes to all and a special prayer that adult children of narcissists are working hard to overcome the legacy of distorted love with their newly created families and own children. Of all the goals and new years resolutions...this may be the most important one to consider!
The Legacy of Distorted LoveMy passion is to create a community of hope, support, and recovery for daughters of narcissistic mothers. When my book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, was released, the most striking feedback from daughters all over the world was a sense of relief...a need for validation. The inner emotional stirrings within thousands of women, creating self-doubt, and self-blame, without true understanding of what was going on, became even more apparent. Giving a name, a voice, a way to legitimize the pain of the past legacy and call it what it is...was alone an uncovering, a revealing that our souls need to begin to heal. The topic of maternal narcissism needed its debut. The curtains had to be drawn on a taboo topic for daughters everywhere to begin the journey of working up to their truth and ultimately their striving for an inner peace that previously felt obscure, insidious, and melted together in a pot of confusion. Although taboo in a culture where motherhood is sacred, it is time to talk about it. I want to be clear that I am not about creating another category of victims. I do not advocate for daughters to hate their mothers, or carry blame, anger, rage or resentment. This journey is about love, understanding and some common language for points of connection, but to get to that shore, daughters have to understand, accept and grieve first. My book holds a five-step recovery program and we will continue to discuss this here and on my book website at www.nevergoodenough.com. An international sisterhood is forming where women like you and I need support, education, understanding, validation, and a place to be authentic. I warmly welcome you to join us as we trudge forward opening the doors and windows of our inner selves and our legacy of past pain and experience. As we do that together, we find new hope and recovery with some gorgeous rainbows and horizons that we didn't know existed. We are so much more than our past. The time is now to traverse, search, explore and swim madly to another shore where mere survival becomes an environment of glowing authenticity and beautiful women who have been hiding in self-doubt. We begin to dare and then speak out. Let us hold and support each other with a knowing and understanding as each one of us bravely steps into the unknown elements of this exciting new shore of self-discovery. There's much more to come as we continue this discussion. Remember that when we have hope and understanding, lights suddenly appear and our world is illuminated with new vision. I called the electrician to get the juice flowing in my soul and although it took some time to change the light bulbs, (sigh) the passion is burning brightly to reach out to you. |
Dr. Karyl is a featured blogger for Psychology Today |
