The Legacy of Distorted Love

Recovery in 2010! Good Enough Rocks!

Hello 2010!  If you are a daughter of a narcissistic mother and entering the new year with hopes of better understanding and recovery, we would love to hear from you!

Join us at www.nevergoodenough.com for forum discussion and new radio show! (Good Enough Rocks Radio! Starting in March)

Let’s talk first stage of recovery. Before we can get anywhere with recovery stages we have to deal with acceptance. To realize that your own mother may not be capable of real love or empathy is shocking. If you ever allowed yourself to think this before, you might have been unwilling to accept it. Mothers are supposed to be the most reliable source of love, comfort, and empathy, and if your mother did not provide that for you, you most likely denied your feelings about it. Daughters often blame themselves for their mother’s inability to love them. A client of mine puts it like this, “ If my own mother can’t love me, who can?” Accepting mother’s limitations is difficult for all daughters.

Think of it like this: A teacher trying to teach a three-year-old to read at college level might feel disappointment, anger, even shame at his failure to accomplish this goal, until he realizes of course, that the student is not really capable of the task. Most narcissists lack the capacity to give significant, authentic love and empathy and you have no choice but to deal with this reality. Acceptance that your own mother has this limited capacity is the first step in recovery. We have to let go of the expectation that it will ever be different.

Most daughters I have known and treated have gone through long periods in their lives not understanding this, always wishing and hoping that the next encounter with their mother will be different. This sets up not only unrealistic expectations for the daughter, but encourages her to keep going back to try again, for which the reward is additional sadness, disappointment, pain, anger, and exasperation. After all, we are talking about your mother- the person who was the center of your world and whom you loved and needed more than anyone else. I want to acknowledge again how difficult this is to do, but you must do it so you can move on toward your own recovery. Don’t let those who do not understand, those who do have loving mothers, tell you that you need to “get over it already.” It does not work this way. We are only able to move on after acceptance and grief, and many do not understand this.

We must also remember that narcissism is a spectrum disorder so there are some moms who are more capable of learning and recovering if they are motivated to do so, but if mom has a full blown narcissistic personality disorder, she will not likely be going to therapy with you to resolve your childhood issues.

Acceptance comes before all else in the recovery model. Other daughters have described it like this: “ It is like she has the bike, but she doesn’t know how to ride it.” Or “ She knows there is a rainbow and talks about it, but she is colorblind and can’t really see it.”       

Worst of all, she may not see you. In the film, The Other Sister, the developmentally delayed daughter says to the narcissistic mother, “ Mom, you don’t look at me, you don’t see me, not the real me. I don’t want to play tennis or chess, or be an artist. I want to be me. I can’t do those things, but I can love,” What a powerful message.

Although, I will discuss more in later posts, I want to say that forgiveness and compassion is more likely and obtainable when we truly understand what we are dealing with. I remind you that I am not about disliking or hating our mothers. My passion is helping daughters understand and heal so that forgiveness and kindness is more available in the mother-daughter connection.

We will continue to discuss recovery here, on the book website and radio. Come join us in this important discussion. 2010 is the year for recovery!             Being Good Enough Rocks! You are worth it.

NARCISSISTIC MOMS AND HOLIDAYS

"The 3 Dimensions": DRAMA, DISAPPOINTMENT, DESPAIR

Oh my, the holidays were here...did anyone notice? Feasts, gatherings, celebrations and connections with family, right? But, what if you come from a narcissistic family? Are you still doing a civil connect? Maybe you have gone "no contact". Or for some the narcissistic parents are deceased. Whatever the case, it is difficult for most children of narcissists to go through the holidays without some memories still lurking from the past. "Silent Night?" or "Chestnuts Roasting On The Open Fire?" or maybe more like " Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer!" Did you sleep well or were you thinking the whole time of either calling 911 or your current shrink?

"Do you work dear therapist during the holidays? You should! We may need you. Please keep your pager handy." " In fact, could you just sleep with it by your pillow in case I need to call?"

It seems, as we all know by now, that holidays bring out the family "issues" and also put each person in the family structure in their old position in the family. Are you the baby? The oldest? The middle child? Or, many in a slew of siblings? Without recovery, be prepared to march into the old position and be treated as such by the whole crew.

If you come from a family with narcissistic parents, all of the above becomes enunciated with drama, disappointment and often times quiet, inner, despair. You may be thinking that this year it will be different, wishing and hoping it will change, and this year you will be recognized as a separate, unique individual who has marked his or her place in the world and has much to share with a loving family.

But Pressman and Pressman best describe the reality of narcissistic families in their book, The Narcissistic Family: the "shiny red apple with the worm inside." It looks fabulous to the outside world, but behind that apple (closed door) is a disconnected, disengaged group of people who do not know how to do emotional connect. The house may be shiny, clean, and pretty and the gifts wrapped with elegance, sparkles and bows. Maybe there are lights everywhere and soft candles with sweet scents filling the house with warmth, but love, real love...is emotional connecting, empathy, interest, authentic conversation, and true caring about feelings and each person's life. It is cheering on the successes and having empathy for the failures but truly caring for the people we love.

In loving families, the children are treated with utmost importance. They are not a hassle, their excitement and magical thinking are honored, and most of all their feelings are listened to with great, wise intent and wisdom. Each moment with the children is respected as a teaching moment and a time to guide them towards connecting with real family time. If their list for Santa, is composed of 65 things and they have emailed the entire family...we smile, love, and simply share that we are proud of them and will look forward to seeing which things on their creative list will become realities for them. We don't lecture them on how selfish they are. We don't talk about the "economy" and how tough it is. We definitely don't use the "be good or Santa will not bring gifts, instead he will bring coal to that stocking!" I'm not sure our little ones today would even understand the "coal" thing, eh?

As we enter the new year of 2010, I send good wishes to all and a special prayer that adult children of narcissists are working hard to overcome the legacy of distorted love with their newly created families and own children. Of all the goals and new years resolutions...this may be the most important one to consider!

The Legacy of Distorted Love

My passion is to create a community of hope, support, and recovery for daughters of narcissistic mothers. When my book, Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, was released, the most striking feedback from daughters all over the world was a sense of relief...a need for validation. The inner emotional stirrings within thousands of women, creating self-doubt, and self-blame, without true understanding of what was going on, became even more apparent. Giving a name, a voice, a way to legitimize the pain of the past legacy and call it what it is...was alone an uncovering, a revealing that our souls need to begin to heal.

The topic of maternal narcissism needed its debut. The curtains had to be drawn on a taboo topic for daughters everywhere to begin the journey of working up to their truth and ultimately their striving for an inner peace that previously felt obscure, insidious, and melted together in a pot of confusion. Although taboo in a culture where motherhood is sacred, it is time to talk about it.

I want to be clear that I am not about creating another category of victims. I do not advocate for daughters to hate their mothers, or carry blame, anger, rage or resentment. This journey is about love, understanding and some common language for points of connection, but to get to that shore, daughters have to understand, accept and grieve first. My book holds a five-step recovery program and we will continue to discuss this here and on my book website at www.nevergoodenough.com. An international sisterhood is forming where women like you and I need support, education, understanding, validation, and a place to be authentic.

I warmly welcome you to join us as we trudge forward opening the doors and windows of our inner selves and our legacy of past pain and experience. As we do that together, we find new hope and recovery with some gorgeous rainbows and horizons that we didn't know existed. We are so much more than our past. The time is now to traverse, search, explore and swim madly to another shore where mere survival becomes an environment of glowing authenticity and beautiful women who have been hiding in self-doubt. We begin to dare and then speak out. Let us hold and support each other with a knowing and understanding as each one of us bravely steps into the unknown elements of this exciting new shore of self-discovery.

There's much more to come as we continue this discussion. Remember that when we have hope and understanding, lights suddenly appear and our world is illuminated with new vision. I called the electrician to get the juice flowing in my soul and although it took some time to change the light bulbs, (sigh) the passion is burning brightly to reach out to you.
Dr. Karyl

Dr. Karyl is a featured blogger for Psychology Today